The day after Silas' birth I drew a hot bath and closed the bathroom door. I poured an herbal healing tea into the water and just started sobbing. I cried because I was in the physical space of his birth and was overwhelmed by the magnitude of what we had just done. I cried because for the first time in nine months I was completely alone in a room. I mourned the end of my pregnancy and with it the feeling of mastery that I had gained in regards to my physical being and actions. I cried because I saw in the mirror a body that I didn't recognize. Not the beautiful fullness that had come on gradually that I had nurtured and thought was perfect, but also not the pre-pregnancy body that I had comfortably known for so many years. I had expected the postpartum period to be filled with tears, I just didn't think they would be own. But, they were good tears. Cleansing tears.

It's so easy to feel lost. To feel as if I spend a majority of my time nursing my child and the two hours in between just waiting for the next feeding. But, Silas and I are slowly finding a rhythm to our days. My focus is to allow this time to be what it is. To not feel as if I'm not doing enough or that I should be doing anything at all. To just allow this time when I have a babe in arms to be just that. It's a challenge, though.


  1. The first few weeks after Finn's birth were an adjustment for me as well..... the end of the day would come and I would realize that I still hadn't even brushed my teeth (yuck). But eventually we found a rhythm, which would change again shortly as he reached a new stage, but then we would settle in to a new one. I know everyone says this, but the time when they are little goes by so fast. I look at my 3 year old and wonder how he got so grown up. So just know that feeling lost is completely normal and you will once again find yourself.... As I am preparing for #2 to arrive I am wondering how much of an emotional adjustment this will be for me. I guess only time will tell!
    Wishing you happy days with you beautiful babe!

  2. hi courtney,

    that is a beautiful picture of you & silas~ love the name~


  3. Beautiful Mama and Child.
    Happy healing and you will continue to find your rhythym. I didn't know what to "do" with my baby (now 7). I read to her (a 5 day old baby!) alot. We passed a lot of time like that. I would also advise you to get outside with him when you can. Walks - even short ones around the yard - were healing for me. Sitting on the porch listening to the bird and cars was a relaxing time too. ENJOY the beginning - you will never believe how fast it goes.

    Congrats again.

  4. Congratulations he's so beautiful. Sometimes those cleansing tears are needed.

  5. I too mourned not being pregnant anymore. That was hard. I also had to mourn my ideas of what parenthood was going to be, cause wow, 10 hours a day alone with a baby is so different. You will make this journey and move onto others, you are right, sit, be, enjoy it, you can't get it back.


  6. I just joined your blog. Love your words and intentions. Congratulations on your new baby and beginning your first footsteps into parenthood. It is a most lovely and challenging time. Continue to take those healing baths for yourself. It is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family.

  7. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed after I gave birth and honestly, for weeks after. And felt everything you felt! Birth is huge. Beyond comprehension. Congratulations Mama - YOU DID IT!

  8. My second babe is just two weeks old now and the feelings you write about are very real to me as well. I still find myself waking in the night, startled to find myself lying on my back, nervous about not feeling my babe kick. Then I remember....there he is, beside me.

    Soak it in. All of it.