If you've been around this little ol' blog for awhile you may remember the last time that I took an unannounced 3 month hiatus from posting (almost exactly four years ago) and you may just remember the reason why. The Cable family is again growing by one and Silas will become a big brother this coming spring.
There is so much underneath that last statement, that I'm not even sure how to really unpack it. I'm not even really sure that I want to. What I do know is that a year of struggling with infertility and then three months of antepartum depression will take their toll on a girl.
I had depression in my first trimester of pregnancy with Silas, although I don't think that I identified it as such. I referred to it as a "pregnancy-related-sadness." But it was so intense. I remember thinking that this is what depression feels like. All those times as a teenager or in my 20s that I felt depressed were nothing in comparison. This is what it felt like to really not be able to get out of bed. This is what it felt like to take absolutely no pleasure in anything, including all the things that used to bring me complete joy. This, this, this...
After Silas was born, I did some reading (specifically this post), which gave a name to what I was going through and helped to validate my experience; such an incredibly important step on the road to healing. This time around, I knew to expect it and tried my best to prepare myself. I let go of any expectations to do much of anything and saved all my precious little energy to be present with Silas and to focus on self-care. I've tried to pay special attention to diet and have taken steps to ensure that I'm getting enough healthy fats, B vitamins, and magnesium, all critical to mood regulation. I can't say that I escaped it completely this time around, but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel far sooner than I did before. Maybe those things helped. And maybe I just had to get through it sooner because I have this amazing little three-year-old who has spent far too long waiting for his mama to get up off the couch and play.
But really, I want to end on a note of joy, because even though this summer has been incredibly difficult, it has brought us to this point. If this is the fire I have to walk through in order to have the privilege of getting to know, love, and parent another little one, then I'll gladly do it. We are thrilled. Truly.
And just to make sure that you're feeling the joy with me (and not just the sadness), I'll share the conversation I had with Silas when we told him the good news. If I can count on anything, I can count on that little boy to speak the truth of the matter, to always find the good, and to always (always!) remind me to laugh.
Mama: Silas, do you want to know a secret? There's a baby in mama's belly. What do you think of that?
Silas: Where does its poop go?
Thanks for sticking with me, my friends. I'm so excited for what the future has in store.