I've always assumed the question "what do stay at home moms do all day?" was a tad on the offensive side; implying that they don't really do anything. But, it's a question that I've been sincerely asking lately. So much of my time is taken up with caring for Silas, but on the rare days that he actually goes down for a nap or in the time that Steve is being a Daddy I find I just don't know what to do with myself. After I rush to complete the everyday stuff--dishes, laundry, feeding the animals, etc.--I find myself burning my time in front of the computer because I just don't know what else to do.
I've been a student for so long. Almost nine of my thirteen adult years actually. My "job" has always been to read and to write. I'm really good at those things; I can write an A+ essay in my sleep. But caring for a home? I'm not exactly sure how to do that. Having been a renter for most of my adult life, moving almost every year, meant that the shower and the oven got scrubbed once; on move-out day. Even though we've been in our house for three years now, I'm still not sure what goes into the daily/weekly/monthly care of a home. I mean, I know what goes into it. I know that there are plenty of things that I could/should be doing. But is my job as a SAHM really just a constant repetition of tidying and cleaning?
I suppose like anything, it is what you make of it. I'm pretty sure that I'm approaching this new role in much the same way as I've approached motherhood...with too much self-doubt. I need to instead focus on how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to stay home with my baby boy while he's little. And maybe I need to allow myself to revel in the fact that my days are my own. Maybe it's the fact that I report to no one that has me feeling so uncomfortable, that I lack a "boss" to tell me what to do. I need to take ownership of myself, my time, and how I spend it and trust that the choices I make are good ones. The only people to whom I have to offer any justifications are myself and my partner. That could, just maybe, be a wonderful thing.