Postpartum



The day after Silas' birth I drew a hot bath and closed the bathroom door. I poured an herbal healing tea into the water and just started sobbing. I cried because I was in the physical space of his birth and was overwhelmed by the magnitude of what we had just done. I cried because for the first time in nine months I was completely alone in a room. I mourned the end of my pregnancy and with it the feeling of mastery that I had gained in regards to my physical being and actions. I cried because I saw in the mirror a body that I didn't recognize. Not the beautiful fullness that had come on gradually that I had nurtured and thought was perfect, but also not the pre-pregnancy body that I had comfortably known for so many years. I had expected the postpartum period to be filled with tears, I just didn't think they would be own. But, they were good tears. Cleansing tears.

It's so easy to feel lost. To feel as if I spend a majority of my time nursing my child and the two hours in between just waiting for the next feeding. But, Silas and I are slowly finding a rhythm to our days. My focus is to allow this time to be what it is. To not feel as if I'm not doing enough or that I should be doing anything at all. To just allow this time when I have a babe in arms to be just that. It's a challenge, though.

8 comments:

  1. The first few weeks after Finn's birth were an adjustment for me as well..... the end of the day would come and I would realize that I still hadn't even brushed my teeth (yuck). But eventually we found a rhythm, which would change again shortly as he reached a new stage, but then we would settle in to a new one. I know everyone says this, but the time when they are little goes by so fast. I look at my 3 year old and wonder how he got so grown up. So just know that feeling lost is completely normal and you will once again find yourself.... As I am preparing for #2 to arrive I am wondering how much of an emotional adjustment this will be for me. I guess only time will tell!
    Wishing you happy days with you beautiful babe!

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  2. hi courtney,

    that is a beautiful picture of you & silas~ love the name~

    katie

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  3. Beautiful Mama and Child.
    Happy healing and you will continue to find your rhythym. I didn't know what to "do" with my baby (now 7). I read to her (a 5 day old baby!) alot. We passed a lot of time like that. I would also advise you to get outside with him when you can. Walks - even short ones around the yard - were healing for me. Sitting on the porch listening to the bird and cars was a relaxing time too. ENJOY the beginning - you will never believe how fast it goes.

    Congrats again.

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  4. Congratulations he's so beautiful. Sometimes those cleansing tears are needed.

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  5. I too mourned not being pregnant anymore. That was hard. I also had to mourn my ideas of what parenthood was going to be, cause wow, 10 hours a day alone with a baby is so different. You will make this journey and move onto others, you are right, sit, be, enjoy it, you can't get it back.

    :)
    Jen

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  6. I just joined your blog. Love your words and intentions. Congratulations on your new baby and beginning your first footsteps into parenthood. It is a most lovely and challenging time. Continue to take those healing baths for yourself. It is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family.

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  7. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed after I gave birth and honestly, for weeks after. And felt everything you felt! Birth is huge. Beyond comprehension. Congratulations Mama - YOU DID IT!

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  8. My second babe is just two weeks old now and the feelings you write about are very real to me as well. I still find myself waking in the night, startled to find myself lying on my back, nervous about not feeling my babe kick. Then I remember....there he is, beside me.

    Soak it in. All of it.

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